seeing clearly.

I have this amazing mindset that when I fail, or slack off, I tell myself I am starting ALL OVER AGAIN. Like a bad round of "Mother, May I?". This thought is so daunting that it paralyzes me; thinking of past progress as something I once achieved, and now have to go back to the beginning and start all over again to gain that same victory.

A friend of mine recently told me to cut that crap out. She said "you aren't starting all over again, you are just continuing. Trying, succeeding, and failing are all part of EVERYONE'S goals.

Hmmmm. I never thought of just keeping going. 

I was also whining to this friend about lack of motivation, needing a partner to help me succeed and hold me accountable. She told me to motivate myself and keep my own self accountable. Genius. 

beginnings. endings. in-betweens.

I have come out of a calendar year that was chock-full of transitions and growing pains. I do realize that life is change, blah,blah, blah, but this past year was exceptionally change-y for me. I am looking back on some regrets and achievements. Brian and I are looking ahead with some big question marks, and some big dreams. Beyond the wonder of success or failure lies the blessed assurance that Jesus is with us always, and that God is real. Beyond the traffic jam that tends to be my mind, trying to know God, share God, love people, love myself rightly, failing in all of that, reorganizing priorities, wandering through milky ambiguity of aspirations- lies the peace that the Holy Spirit works in meaningful and relevant timing. Thanks be to God. Amen.